The fifth and final installment of a short series about singledom.
Life has taught me that all dating experiences are simply little games we play to try to meet our match. You often hear the dating process referred to as the "dating game". Well, I don't like this game. I don't know how to play it and I don't really care to learn. I think we, as humans, are above these silly little games but I feel like we don't try to rise above it because it's all we've ever known. There are many rules to these games and several strategies for playing. And the most frustrating part about all of it is that everyone plays by different rules and every one seems to know different tactics that are magic and will always work regardless of the situation.
Por ejemplo:
1. Touch a boy's elbow three times and you'll land yourself a date-but it's gotta be the elbow (I'm not sure why the elbow and I'm not sure why three is the magic number, it's just what I've heard)
2. After a good date, text the boy a few minutes after you get inside and remind him that you had a wonderful time on said date (personally, I think this one seems a little over-bearing)
3. Once you get a girl's number you must wait three days before giving her a call, so as not to seem too eager. (I disagree with this one. Why put off something that could turn out to be an amazing thing? As Harry says, "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.")
4. Be mysterious, don't open up too soon or too quickly. You must leave an element of mystery so that he'll want to ask you out again (actually, if he's not gonna be interested in me I'd like to know right off so what you see is what you get)
5. Break the touch barrier to ensure your date that you're really interested (What if he has a large personal bubble? Or you really like to touch people and you really touch everyone whether you're interested or not? Or what if you just don't like to touch people?)
6. If he said he'd call again then don't contact him, he'll contact you (I see some validity to this rule, actually, but I think there are always exceptions)
7. No dating people in the ward because if it doesn't work out it gets awkward and messy (I think this is incredibly limiting)
8. You can't date roommates (a little more validity to this one than ward dating, but I still believe there are exceptions)
9. Don't date people you work with (again, limiting yourself; so what if things get a little awkward? On the other hand if things end up working out aren't you ending up with a pretty great thing?)
10. Don't text your date after you get inside; wait until the next day (doesn't this break Rule #2 AND #6?)
To these rules and all the others out there, I echo Ted Mosby:
"Well, I'm sick of all the rules! There's too many of them! The Hot/Crazy Scale, the Lemon Law, the Platinum Rule...If everyone in the world followed every one of your rules, the human race would cease to exist. Yes, chances are Stella and I are not going to live happily ever after. The overwhelming odds have it ending bad. And when that happens, it'll be for one of a million possible reasons. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna try. And when it does fail, so help me God, it's not gonna be because of some rule."
("How I Met Your Mother"-Season 3 Episode 11)
The tricky thing about the dating game is everyone is different; every social encounter and interaction is different. There is no one way to play the game. There is no one way to score a date and meet your match. So throw the rules out the window. Stop playing games and start using your words.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
The Meat Market
The fourth in a short series about singledom.
Before proceeding to read, watch this video clip (it's only 20 seconds):
The Meat Market is a common method used to help rid The Diseased of their ailment. What are these Meat Markets I speak of? Well the LDS (Latter-Day Saint) YSA (Young Single Adult) Wards, of course! What is that you say? You don't see how meat markets and singles wards can be likened one to another? Well, allow me to thrust my theory upon you.
Let's start with a little activity involving parallels.
Aha! You see, my theory is not so far-fetched after all!
Now, how does the movie clip tie into my theory? Well you see, meat markets offer a variety of meats, even the rare kinds that most people have never heard of. Haggis, specifically, is the one referenced in the clip. Which leads me to my next point...
The Haggis Theory
Over the last six plus years of attending singles wards I've thought about the similarities between meat markets and my experiences. It was about two years ago when this theory first came to me. I started attending a new ward and after a couple of Sundays a good friend asked me how my ward was. Assuming he was asking about the functionality and referencing the strength of the ward I told him it seemed to be a good ward and I thought it'd be an okay year. His follow up question was, "How are the guys? Any cute ones? Any that you're going to pursue or that you'd like to get to know better?" I gave him a baffled look and thought to myself Ummmm, I don't attend church to check out men. I might attend ward activities for those very reasons, but I haven't attended any of those yet. I attend church to worship. I tried to verbalize those very thoughts but my friend thought me to be crazy. He was convinced that I was lying and was simply trying to pretend that I don't scope out the men at church.
Days later I was thinking, as I often do, about his comments. It hit me like Colette "playfully" hits me when we're joking around (which is actually AWFULLY hard). Singles wards are meat markets. Up until September 2010, singles would wander from ward to ward scoping out the "meat" and deciding which ward had the best to offer. Granted, not everyone was this way. There were quite a few who attended the ward in which they were supposed to, but an alarming number of people felt the need to "shop" for what it was they desired.
The more I continued to think, as I often do, about this theory, the more nicely everything fell into play:
You have ground beef; easy to get, can be used in a variety of situations, and decently cheap. That's not me. In order to qualify as ground beef I would need to use my eyes to take off your clothes, laugh at everything you say, flirt shamelessly, maybe even "give you some", and not expect to hear from you again.
You have chicken; also easy to get, a popular favorite, but a little more expensive. Usually chicken requires a little more maintenance. It needs sauce or marinade or something else to make it good. In order to qualify as chicken I would need to shrink 2-3 inches, lose 100 pounds, dye my hair platinum blond, lose quite a few brain cells, laugh hysterically at everything you say, and play games that torture you and leave you with an element of mystery.
You have steak; not as easy to get, most people like steak but aren't always willing to pay to get it, and is more expensive. In order to qualify as steak I would need to know how to flirt yet know when to stop so as not to lead you on, when on campus I'd carry my scriptures outside of my backpack, sign up for two Institute classes and maybe even join IWA (Institute Women's Association).
And then you have haggis; which is really uncommon and not deemed a favorite by most people. It's a rare Scottish delicacy which is "based on a dare". In order to qualify for haggis I don't know how to flirt, I laugh at the wrong times, I've got a little extra around the edges, I'm independent and opinionated, and I don't play games that lead to heartache or any element of mystery.
Although I don't love being a part of a meat market, I do understand that to not be part of one would limit my options and experiences to a degree in which I don't want to consider. Haggis wouldn't survive in a private market; it must be marketed in a place where people can look at, inquire about, and maybe even sample.
Being haggis is great. I like knowing that I'm a rarity and that I don't quite fit the traditional mold. For I understand that some one, some day will choose to take a chance on haggis; will choose to step out of his comfort zone and try something he's never tried before. Power to the haggis!
Until someone can come up with something better to cure the Diseased (good try, Online Dating), it looks like the Meat Market is the best stop for the cure-all.
Before proceeding to read, watch this video clip (it's only 20 seconds):
The Meat Market is a common method used to help rid The Diseased of their ailment. What are these Meat Markets I speak of? Well the LDS (Latter-Day Saint) YSA (Young Single Adult) Wards, of course! What is that you say? You don't see how meat markets and singles wards can be likened one to another? Well, allow me to thrust my theory upon you.
Let's start with a little activity involving parallels.
| Meat Markets | Singles Wards |
|
|
Aha! You see, my theory is not so far-fetched after all!
Now, how does the movie clip tie into my theory? Well you see, meat markets offer a variety of meats, even the rare kinds that most people have never heard of. Haggis, specifically, is the one referenced in the clip. Which leads me to my next point...
The Haggis Theory
Over the last six plus years of attending singles wards I've thought about the similarities between meat markets and my experiences. It was about two years ago when this theory first came to me. I started attending a new ward and after a couple of Sundays a good friend asked me how my ward was. Assuming he was asking about the functionality and referencing the strength of the ward I told him it seemed to be a good ward and I thought it'd be an okay year. His follow up question was, "How are the guys? Any cute ones? Any that you're going to pursue or that you'd like to get to know better?" I gave him a baffled look and thought to myself Ummmm, I don't attend church to check out men. I might attend ward activities for those very reasons, but I haven't attended any of those yet. I attend church to worship. I tried to verbalize those very thoughts but my friend thought me to be crazy. He was convinced that I was lying and was simply trying to pretend that I don't scope out the men at church.
Days later I was thinking, as I often do, about his comments. It hit me like Colette "playfully" hits me when we're joking around (which is actually AWFULLY hard). Singles wards are meat markets. Up until September 2010, singles would wander from ward to ward scoping out the "meat" and deciding which ward had the best to offer. Granted, not everyone was this way. There were quite a few who attended the ward in which they were supposed to, but an alarming number of people felt the need to "shop" for what it was they desired.
The more I continued to think, as I often do, about this theory, the more nicely everything fell into play:
You have ground beef; easy to get, can be used in a variety of situations, and decently cheap. That's not me. In order to qualify as ground beef I would need to use my eyes to take off your clothes, laugh at everything you say, flirt shamelessly, maybe even "give you some", and not expect to hear from you again.
You have chicken; also easy to get, a popular favorite, but a little more expensive. Usually chicken requires a little more maintenance. It needs sauce or marinade or something else to make it good. In order to qualify as chicken I would need to shrink 2-3 inches, lose 100 pounds, dye my hair platinum blond, lose quite a few brain cells, laugh hysterically at everything you say, and play games that torture you and leave you with an element of mystery.
You have steak; not as easy to get, most people like steak but aren't always willing to pay to get it, and is more expensive. In order to qualify as steak I would need to know how to flirt yet know when to stop so as not to lead you on, when on campus I'd carry my scriptures outside of my backpack, sign up for two Institute classes and maybe even join IWA (Institute Women's Association).
And then you have haggis; which is really uncommon and not deemed a favorite by most people. It's a rare Scottish delicacy which is "based on a dare". In order to qualify for haggis I don't know how to flirt, I laugh at the wrong times, I've got a little extra around the edges, I'm independent and opinionated, and I don't play games that lead to heartache or any element of mystery.
Although I don't love being a part of a meat market, I do understand that to not be part of one would limit my options and experiences to a degree in which I don't want to consider. Haggis wouldn't survive in a private market; it must be marketed in a place where people can look at, inquire about, and maybe even sample.
Being haggis is great. I like knowing that I'm a rarity and that I don't quite fit the traditional mold. For I understand that some one, some day will choose to take a chance on haggis; will choose to step out of his comfort zone and try something he's never tried before. Power to the haggis!
Until someone can come up with something better to cure the Diseased (good try, Online Dating), it looks like the Meat Market is the best stop for the cure-all.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Blind Date "Cure"
The third in a short series about singledom.
Oh the blind date. What a common tactic used to try and cure the diseased. I know that if I really hated blind dates that much I could easily say no to them. No one's forcing me to go on them. But I figure I don't really go on any other dates so why limit myself to nothing when I can at least have some dating experience (even if they are some of the worst dates I've ever been on).
I know a surprising number of people who have decided that blind dates are no longer going to be a part of their dating experiences. Or who have never allowed blind dates to ever be a part of their dating experiences. To these people I say: Too bad, for you never know...
Now, I've never been on a blind date that turned into a relationship let alone a second date even. But I know people that are married now that met their spouses on a blind date. So although I've had some awful blind dates-just to give you a sampling, I've been on 3 blind dates (yup THREE, count them 1, 2, 3) where part of his family has accompanied us/been part of our date-I'm just not ready to throw in the towel. So instead of turning them down I figure I can assist the Cured by introducing a few guidelines to consider when choosing blind dates for your diseased friends.
A Guide to Planning a Blind Date:
Questions to ask yourself before setting up anyone on a blind date...
1. Are both parties geographically close together? If she lives in Utah and he lives in Texas and they really hit it off then you just made life that much more difficult.
2. Do both parties at least have something in common? If you answer this question with "They're both single" then it's an automatic NO GO.
3. Do both parties at least SEEM to be the type of guy/girl my friend would date? So they're both great people with high standards and so much to offer but she's a high maintenance city girl who knows all about her favorite movie stars and he's a computer hacking, World of Warcraft (or whatever it's called) obsessed gamer. NO GO.
4. How did the idea of both parties getting together come to mind? Were you searching your mental catalog for potential dates for your single friend? NO GO. Did the thought/impression come to your mind that these two people should meet? MOVE FORWARD.
5. Do you think as highly of the "match" as you do your friend? Please don't set up your most awesome friend with a much less-awesome acquaintance.
6. How well do you know the person with which you're setting up your friend? "He's my brother's wife's best friend's ex-boyfriend." If you don't know both parties directly it's a NO GO.
Horrible reasons for setting up anyone on a blind date...
1. You know that your friend would be so much happier if s/he were married because you're married and you can't imagine any greater happiness.
2. You have a diseased friend who, in your opinion, just doesn't date enough.
3. Your single friend is an amazing person and you want so badly for the world to get to know him/her.
4. They're both single.
The 5 Step most efficient/least awkward/best way to set up anyone on a blind date...
1. Ask your friend if s/he is willing to go on a blind date.
2. Ask the match you've been considering if s/he is willing to go on a blind date.
3. Give the male (ALWAYS THE MALE, REGARDLESS OF WHO YOU KNOW BEST) the female's phone number.
4. Refuse to double with them.
5. Let nature take it's course. You no longer have any responsibility or need to take action. Stay out of it (unless one or both parties chooses to give you a report on what happened.)
Anyone got any blind dates for me?
Oh the blind date. What a common tactic used to try and cure the diseased. I know that if I really hated blind dates that much I could easily say no to them. No one's forcing me to go on them. But I figure I don't really go on any other dates so why limit myself to nothing when I can at least have some dating experience (even if they are some of the worst dates I've ever been on).
I know a surprising number of people who have decided that blind dates are no longer going to be a part of their dating experiences. Or who have never allowed blind dates to ever be a part of their dating experiences. To these people I say: Too bad, for you never know...
Now, I've never been on a blind date that turned into a relationship let alone a second date even. But I know people that are married now that met their spouses on a blind date. So although I've had some awful blind dates-just to give you a sampling, I've been on 3 blind dates (yup THREE, count them 1, 2, 3) where part of his family has accompanied us/been part of our date-I'm just not ready to throw in the towel. So instead of turning them down I figure I can assist the Cured by introducing a few guidelines to consider when choosing blind dates for your diseased friends.
A Guide to Planning a Blind Date:
Questions to ask yourself before setting up anyone on a blind date...
1. Are both parties geographically close together? If she lives in Utah and he lives in Texas and they really hit it off then you just made life that much more difficult.
2. Do both parties at least have something in common? If you answer this question with "They're both single" then it's an automatic NO GO.
3. Do both parties at least SEEM to be the type of guy/girl my friend would date? So they're both great people with high standards and so much to offer but she's a high maintenance city girl who knows all about her favorite movie stars and he's a computer hacking, World of Warcraft (or whatever it's called) obsessed gamer. NO GO.
4. How did the idea of both parties getting together come to mind? Were you searching your mental catalog for potential dates for your single friend? NO GO. Did the thought/impression come to your mind that these two people should meet? MOVE FORWARD.
5. Do you think as highly of the "match" as you do your friend? Please don't set up your most awesome friend with a much less-awesome acquaintance.
6. How well do you know the person with which you're setting up your friend? "He's my brother's wife's best friend's ex-boyfriend." If you don't know both parties directly it's a NO GO.
Horrible reasons for setting up anyone on a blind date...
1. You know that your friend would be so much happier if s/he were married because you're married and you can't imagine any greater happiness.
2. You have a diseased friend who, in your opinion, just doesn't date enough.
3. Your single friend is an amazing person and you want so badly for the world to get to know him/her.
4. They're both single.
The 5 Step most efficient/least awkward/best way to set up anyone on a blind date...
1. Ask your friend if s/he is willing to go on a blind date.
2. Ask the match you've been considering if s/he is willing to go on a blind date.
3. Give the male (ALWAYS THE MALE, REGARDLESS OF WHO YOU KNOW BEST) the female's phone number.
4. Refuse to double with them.
5. Let nature take it's course. You no longer have any responsibility or need to take action. Stay out of it (unless one or both parties chooses to give you a report on what happened.)
Anyone got any blind dates for me?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My Apologies
It's been brought to my attention that my previous post may have come on a little strong. My apologies. My intentions were not to make you second guess everything you've ever said to a Diseased one; but I realize that my word choice and my tone sounded quite accusatory. I've gone back and changed "Why this sucks" to "Why this may not provide comfort". I hope to be able to come across a little more light-hearted in future posts.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Uncomfortable Comfort Cliches
The second in a short series about singledom.
(I just want to reiterate that I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not angry, and I'm not trying to send a message to "certain people". I'm simply throwing my opinion and point of view out there in the hopes that something will stick; and those who deem themselves guilty parties might make some changes.
I'm not unhappy with my single status; I'm tired of people being unhappy for me and my single status.)
I'm not unhappy with my single status; I'm tired of people being unhappy for me and my single status.)
It'll happen when you least expect it.You'll find someone someday.The timing just isn't right.Stop looking.It always happens when you stop looking.Don't worry about it!Start doing the things you enjoy!Put yourself out there.Someday you'll find someone who thinks you're great!Just get out there and have fun!Don't worry, you'll be next!He's out there, I know it.
Has anyone had any experiences with these awful words of "comfort" at some point in time? I'm convinced that the Healed (a.k.a. married folk) truly believe these lines make the Diseased feel better. Let me be the first to tell you that sometimes these tidbits of "wisdom" can actually make us feel worse. There's nothing quite like being told to stop worrying about something that you're not even worrying about. Or on the other hand, to stop looking for something that you want so badly (that's like telling a kid to stop thinking about Christmas when you put him/her to bed on Christmas Eve).
I'm definitely not the only one who has experienced this frustration. A few months ago (actually almost a year ago), Lacee was looking at the headlines on the MSN homepage and found this article entitled "19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person".
I'll share my top five (in no particular order) least favorite cliches (the ones in italics are from the article, the rest are from my own experience), my theory as to the strategy-or what the Healer meant-of this comment, as well as my theory as to why these comments suck.
1. "But you're so pretty! Why don't you have a boyfriend?" This one is a close relative to "But you are such a great catch! Why hasn't anyone snatched you right up, yet?"
Strategy: To help you feel better about yourself and truly see what a great person you are. And maybe even to put down or insult members of the opposite sex for not taking notice of you.
Why this may not provide comfort: If I knew the answer to that question then I'd make some changes and problem solved! And trying to turn the problem on the other gender really doesn't work. Half the population doesn't have the same problem of simply "not noticing" us. We may be diseased but we're not stupid; it can't really be every other man's/woman's fault. And possibly, some Diseased are choosing not to have a boyfriend/girlfriend right now.
2. "He just wasn't the right one." Obviously! But why?!
Strategy: To help you get over the fact that it's over and there's no going back. To help you understand why it didn't work out the way you'd hoped.
Why this may not provide comfort: From our perspective, it looked like a great relationship and a perfect fit! We're confused and completely puzzled as to why something that looked so good just wasn't "right". We're not looking for comfort, we're looking for answers. And obviously you don't have any. So don't say anything.
3. "Put yourself out there." I'm so sick of this one! What does it even mean?
Strategy: To make sure you haven't exhausted all of your resources and that you're not limiting yourself.
Why this may not provide comfort: Again, what does it even mean? Are you referring to online dating? Do we need to attend every single event in the area? What are you wanting us to do? Stand in the middle of the grocery store and yell, "I'm single! Come talk to me! I'm a great catch. Anyone would be lucky to have me and the last person I dated just wasn't right for me!" This statement, more than any other statement, causes me to feel not only diseased but TERMINALLY ill. This snippet of assuagement alludes to a deranged reality where I have become a hermit inside my apartment-I take only online classes, I have food delivered to my door, I don't turn my lights on, and my only access to the outside world is my phone and Internet. Get real people!
4. "Just be grateful that you can sleep in and don't have to worry about kids waking you up in the middle of the night." Excuse me?
Strategy: Helping you see that there are upsides to being single, that being diseased is not "all bad", and that when you are healed it won't always be candy and roses.
Why this may not provide comfort: That's quite an assumption that you just made there with that statement. Although some single people may wish to be single forever-they don't want to be tied down, they don't want the responsibilities, they don't have a desire to reproduce, etc.-all singles don't necessarily feel that way. Maybe some of us actually choose to sleep in because waking up alone, in a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors is a harsh reality that they would like to put off for as long as possible. Maybe some of us actually feel pained to crawl into a large bed again-alone-and not know when/if they'll have an opportunity to share this bed with someone let alone have kids in this life. Forgive us if we just don't find comfort in your complaints.
5. "Maybe you have really high standards." Possibly, but I'm already feeling down and out. Don't make me feel worse!
Strategy: Healers are trying to offer insight and direction where they think there might be a problem. They're genuinely looking to help you find a cure.
Why this may not provide comfort: When they hear this statement, Diseased people look at Healed people and think "Seriously?" If we're having a conversation about me being single, do I sound happy about it or sad about it? If I feel sad about it does it seem helpful to point this out in that moment? Probably not. And not only that but you found what you were looking for. Why can't I? Do I suddenly need to lower my standards or expectations because the pool of men/women is thinning out?
Closing argument: If you don't have TRUE words of wisdom or REAL comfort to offer, just don't say anything. If we're crying then hug us. If we're angry then let us rant. If we act like it's not a problem then don't treat it like it's a problem. If we're happy then be happy with us. If we're content when you think we shouldn't be then bite your tongue and keep your mouth shut. We're left feeling uncomfortable when you choose to utter comfort cliches.
I'm definitely not the only one who has experienced this frustration. A few months ago (actually almost a year ago), Lacee was looking at the headlines on the MSN homepage and found this article entitled "19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person".
I'll share my top five (in no particular order) least favorite cliches (the ones in italics are from the article, the rest are from my own experience), my theory as to the strategy-or what the Healer meant-of this comment, as well as my theory as to why these comments suck.
1. "But you're so pretty! Why don't you have a boyfriend?" This one is a close relative to "But you are such a great catch! Why hasn't anyone snatched you right up, yet?"
Strategy: To help you feel better about yourself and truly see what a great person you are. And maybe even to put down or insult members of the opposite sex for not taking notice of you.
Why this may not provide comfort: If I knew the answer to that question then I'd make some changes and problem solved! And trying to turn the problem on the other gender really doesn't work. Half the population doesn't have the same problem of simply "not noticing" us. We may be diseased but we're not stupid; it can't really be every other man's/woman's fault. And possibly, some Diseased are choosing not to have a boyfriend/girlfriend right now.
2. "He just wasn't the right one." Obviously! But why?!
Strategy: To help you get over the fact that it's over and there's no going back. To help you understand why it didn't work out the way you'd hoped.
Why this may not provide comfort: From our perspective, it looked like a great relationship and a perfect fit! We're confused and completely puzzled as to why something that looked so good just wasn't "right". We're not looking for comfort, we're looking for answers. And obviously you don't have any. So don't say anything.
3. "Put yourself out there." I'm so sick of this one! What does it even mean?
Strategy: To make sure you haven't exhausted all of your resources and that you're not limiting yourself.
Why this may not provide comfort: Again, what does it even mean? Are you referring to online dating? Do we need to attend every single event in the area? What are you wanting us to do? Stand in the middle of the grocery store and yell, "I'm single! Come talk to me! I'm a great catch. Anyone would be lucky to have me and the last person I dated just wasn't right for me!" This statement, more than any other statement, causes me to feel not only diseased but TERMINALLY ill. This snippet of assuagement alludes to a deranged reality where I have become a hermit inside my apartment-I take only online classes, I have food delivered to my door, I don't turn my lights on, and my only access to the outside world is my phone and Internet. Get real people!
4. "Just be grateful that you can sleep in and don't have to worry about kids waking you up in the middle of the night." Excuse me?
Strategy: Helping you see that there are upsides to being single, that being diseased is not "all bad", and that when you are healed it won't always be candy and roses.
Why this may not provide comfort: That's quite an assumption that you just made there with that statement. Although some single people may wish to be single forever-they don't want to be tied down, they don't want the responsibilities, they don't have a desire to reproduce, etc.-all singles don't necessarily feel that way. Maybe some of us actually choose to sleep in because waking up alone, in a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors is a harsh reality that they would like to put off for as long as possible. Maybe some of us actually feel pained to crawl into a large bed again-alone-and not know when/if they'll have an opportunity to share this bed with someone let alone have kids in this life. Forgive us if we just don't find comfort in your complaints.
5. "Maybe you have really high standards." Possibly, but I'm already feeling down and out. Don't make me feel worse!
Strategy: Healers are trying to offer insight and direction where they think there might be a problem. They're genuinely looking to help you find a cure.
Why this may not provide comfort: When they hear this statement, Diseased people look at Healed people and think "Seriously?" If we're having a conversation about me being single, do I sound happy about it or sad about it? If I feel sad about it does it seem helpful to point this out in that moment? Probably not. And not only that but you found what you were looking for. Why can't I? Do I suddenly need to lower my standards or expectations because the pool of men/women is thinning out?
Closing argument: If you don't have TRUE words of wisdom or REAL comfort to offer, just don't say anything. If we're crying then hug us. If we're angry then let us rant. If we act like it's not a problem then don't treat it like it's a problem. If we're happy then be happy with us. If we're content when you think we shouldn't be then bite your tongue and keep your mouth shut. We're left feeling uncomfortable when you choose to utter comfort cliches.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Disease
The first in a short series about singledom.
Annabelle Vandersloot is a member of the Notable Widows of Papen County. When Olive Snook discovers their little hobby dealing with dioramas the following conversation ensues...
Olive: How can I get involved?
Annabelle: Are you a widow?
Olive: No.
Annabelle: Oh.
Olive: Unfortunately, I'm single.
Annaballe: Oh...Sorry
Later in the episode, Olive gives Annabelle some much desired information and Annabell responds...
Annabelle: Ms. Snook I almost forgot. I told the Notable Widows your story and it made us realize how very blessed we are. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to be you.
(An excerpt from the script of the wonderful series, "Pushing Daisies".)
The disease? Singledom.
The cure? Everyone thinks they have one. There are plenty of cliches (Part 2) people use to "comfort"the Diseased. Some believe that blind dates (Part 3) are the answer. The Diseased are even thrown into a meat market (Part 4) to try and overcome this horrible "condition". Others claim that if you could just play "The Game" (Part 5) right then you'll be cured and living happily.
But the truth is, there isn't a cure. Because it's not a disease. It's simply a state of being. And being single doesn't make us worse off than the "fortunate ones" or married folk. It's hard living in a world where people equate happiness with being in a relationship. The Dixie Chicks phrased it this way: "Oh it's plain to see you'd rescue me from my loneliness so called unhappiness."
Being single doesn't make me less of a human or a lesser part of society. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me and it doesn't mean that I have a problem that someone else needs to swoop in and solve.
It's time to move away from the mentality of "fixing" the singles. Remove yourselves from the self-assigned mission to make all the singles as happy as you are by finding them someone to be with for eternity. Let the singles figure it out on their own; unless of course they ask for your help. The key word being ASK.
How do you make these changes and remove the "diseased" label?
1. Don't treat us like we're sick. We're not suffering from cancer or some other true ailment. When you see us you don't need to cry for us or mourn for us or tell us how sorry you are about our situation. I'm sure cancer patients don't enjoy being asked about their treatment all the time so don't ask us if we're dating or if there is someone "special" in our lives. If there's news that is noteworthy and that we care to share, we'll make it known.
2. Don't give us special allowances, but don't deny us the same opportunities and benefits you'd give to the married ones either. Perfect example: "Dan in Real Life". Dan is given the "special" room. He gets to sleep on a crappy single bed in the laundry room while his brother who is currently in a relationship (yet required to sleep in a different room than his girlfriend) gets a real room with a big bed.
I'm single and I'm happy. Am I always happy being single? No. Are you always happy being married? If we were to ask George Bailey he would respond with "Why do we have to have all these kids?!" Is one better than the other? It's debatable. I think being single and being married each have their pros and cons.
The real question though is this, are we able to attain the highest level of salvation without being married? No. But that's our problem, not yours. Let us work out our own salvation while you worry about yours. And exhale a sigh of relief knowing that you no longer need to find a cure.
(I've been contemplating this series for a while now and have finally decided to write it out instead of simply think about it. However, I feel like I cannot move forward without a disclaimer: My intention is not for these posts to come across as cynical or to chastise those who consider themselves guilty of the infractions described.)
Annabelle Vandersloot is a member of the Notable Widows of Papen County. When Olive Snook discovers their little hobby dealing with dioramas the following conversation ensues...
Olive: How can I get involved?
Annabelle: Are you a widow?
Olive: No.
Annabelle: Oh.
Olive: Unfortunately, I'm single.
Annaballe: Oh...Sorry
Later in the episode, Olive gives Annabelle some much desired information and Annabell responds...
Annabelle: Ms. Snook I almost forgot. I told the Notable Widows your story and it made us realize how very blessed we are. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to be you.
(An excerpt from the script of the wonderful series, "Pushing Daisies".)
The disease? Singledom.
The cure? Everyone thinks they have one. There are plenty of cliches (Part 2) people use to "comfort"the Diseased. Some believe that blind dates (Part 3) are the answer. The Diseased are even thrown into a meat market (Part 4) to try and overcome this horrible "condition". Others claim that if you could just play "The Game" (Part 5) right then you'll be cured and living happily.
But the truth is, there isn't a cure. Because it's not a disease. It's simply a state of being. And being single doesn't make us worse off than the "fortunate ones" or married folk. It's hard living in a world where people equate happiness with being in a relationship. The Dixie Chicks phrased it this way: "Oh it's plain to see you'd rescue me from my loneliness so called unhappiness."
Being single doesn't make me less of a human or a lesser part of society. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me and it doesn't mean that I have a problem that someone else needs to swoop in and solve.
It's time to move away from the mentality of "fixing" the singles. Remove yourselves from the self-assigned mission to make all the singles as happy as you are by finding them someone to be with for eternity. Let the singles figure it out on their own; unless of course they ask for your help. The key word being ASK.
How do you make these changes and remove the "diseased" label?
1. Don't treat us like we're sick. We're not suffering from cancer or some other true ailment. When you see us you don't need to cry for us or mourn for us or tell us how sorry you are about our situation. I'm sure cancer patients don't enjoy being asked about their treatment all the time so don't ask us if we're dating or if there is someone "special" in our lives. If there's news that is noteworthy and that we care to share, we'll make it known.
2. Don't give us special allowances, but don't deny us the same opportunities and benefits you'd give to the married ones either. Perfect example: "Dan in Real Life". Dan is given the "special" room. He gets to sleep on a crappy single bed in the laundry room while his brother who is currently in a relationship (yet required to sleep in a different room than his girlfriend) gets a real room with a big bed.
I'm single and I'm happy. Am I always happy being single? No. Are you always happy being married? If we were to ask George Bailey he would respond with "Why do we have to have all these kids?!" Is one better than the other? It's debatable. I think being single and being married each have their pros and cons.
The real question though is this, are we able to attain the highest level of salvation without being married? No. But that's our problem, not yours. Let us work out our own salvation while you worry about yours. And exhale a sigh of relief knowing that you no longer need to find a cure.
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