Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My Apologies
It's been brought to my attention that my previous post may have come on a little strong. My apologies. My intentions were not to make you second guess everything you've ever said to a Diseased one; but I realize that my word choice and my tone sounded quite accusatory. I've gone back and changed "Why this sucks" to "Why this may not provide comfort". I hope to be able to come across a little more light-hearted in future posts.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Uncomfortable Comfort Cliches
The second in a short series about singledom.
(I just want to reiterate that I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not angry, and I'm not trying to send a message to "certain people". I'm simply throwing my opinion and point of view out there in the hopes that something will stick; and those who deem themselves guilty parties might make some changes.
I'm not unhappy with my single status; I'm tired of people being unhappy for me and my single status.)
I'm not unhappy with my single status; I'm tired of people being unhappy for me and my single status.)
It'll happen when you least expect it.You'll find someone someday.The timing just isn't right.Stop looking.It always happens when you stop looking.Don't worry about it!Start doing the things you enjoy!Put yourself out there.Someday you'll find someone who thinks you're great!Just get out there and have fun!Don't worry, you'll be next!He's out there, I know it.
Has anyone had any experiences with these awful words of "comfort" at some point in time? I'm convinced that the Healed (a.k.a. married folk) truly believe these lines make the Diseased feel better. Let me be the first to tell you that sometimes these tidbits of "wisdom" can actually make us feel worse. There's nothing quite like being told to stop worrying about something that you're not even worrying about. Or on the other hand, to stop looking for something that you want so badly (that's like telling a kid to stop thinking about Christmas when you put him/her to bed on Christmas Eve).
I'm definitely not the only one who has experienced this frustration. A few months ago (actually almost a year ago), Lacee was looking at the headlines on the MSN homepage and found this article entitled "19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person".
I'll share my top five (in no particular order) least favorite cliches (the ones in italics are from the article, the rest are from my own experience), my theory as to the strategy-or what the Healer meant-of this comment, as well as my theory as to why these comments suck.
1. "But you're so pretty! Why don't you have a boyfriend?" This one is a close relative to "But you are such a great catch! Why hasn't anyone snatched you right up, yet?"
Strategy: To help you feel better about yourself and truly see what a great person you are. And maybe even to put down or insult members of the opposite sex for not taking notice of you.
Why this may not provide comfort: If I knew the answer to that question then I'd make some changes and problem solved! And trying to turn the problem on the other gender really doesn't work. Half the population doesn't have the same problem of simply "not noticing" us. We may be diseased but we're not stupid; it can't really be every other man's/woman's fault. And possibly, some Diseased are choosing not to have a boyfriend/girlfriend right now.
2. "He just wasn't the right one." Obviously! But why?!
Strategy: To help you get over the fact that it's over and there's no going back. To help you understand why it didn't work out the way you'd hoped.
Why this may not provide comfort: From our perspective, it looked like a great relationship and a perfect fit! We're confused and completely puzzled as to why something that looked so good just wasn't "right". We're not looking for comfort, we're looking for answers. And obviously you don't have any. So don't say anything.
3. "Put yourself out there." I'm so sick of this one! What does it even mean?
Strategy: To make sure you haven't exhausted all of your resources and that you're not limiting yourself.
Why this may not provide comfort: Again, what does it even mean? Are you referring to online dating? Do we need to attend every single event in the area? What are you wanting us to do? Stand in the middle of the grocery store and yell, "I'm single! Come talk to me! I'm a great catch. Anyone would be lucky to have me and the last person I dated just wasn't right for me!" This statement, more than any other statement, causes me to feel not only diseased but TERMINALLY ill. This snippet of assuagement alludes to a deranged reality where I have become a hermit inside my apartment-I take only online classes, I have food delivered to my door, I don't turn my lights on, and my only access to the outside world is my phone and Internet. Get real people!
4. "Just be grateful that you can sleep in and don't have to worry about kids waking you up in the middle of the night." Excuse me?
Strategy: Helping you see that there are upsides to being single, that being diseased is not "all bad", and that when you are healed it won't always be candy and roses.
Why this may not provide comfort: That's quite an assumption that you just made there with that statement. Although some single people may wish to be single forever-they don't want to be tied down, they don't want the responsibilities, they don't have a desire to reproduce, etc.-all singles don't necessarily feel that way. Maybe some of us actually choose to sleep in because waking up alone, in a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors is a harsh reality that they would like to put off for as long as possible. Maybe some of us actually feel pained to crawl into a large bed again-alone-and not know when/if they'll have an opportunity to share this bed with someone let alone have kids in this life. Forgive us if we just don't find comfort in your complaints.
5. "Maybe you have really high standards." Possibly, but I'm already feeling down and out. Don't make me feel worse!
Strategy: Healers are trying to offer insight and direction where they think there might be a problem. They're genuinely looking to help you find a cure.
Why this may not provide comfort: When they hear this statement, Diseased people look at Healed people and think "Seriously?" If we're having a conversation about me being single, do I sound happy about it or sad about it? If I feel sad about it does it seem helpful to point this out in that moment? Probably not. And not only that but you found what you were looking for. Why can't I? Do I suddenly need to lower my standards or expectations because the pool of men/women is thinning out?
Closing argument: If you don't have TRUE words of wisdom or REAL comfort to offer, just don't say anything. If we're crying then hug us. If we're angry then let us rant. If we act like it's not a problem then don't treat it like it's a problem. If we're happy then be happy with us. If we're content when you think we shouldn't be then bite your tongue and keep your mouth shut. We're left feeling uncomfortable when you choose to utter comfort cliches.
I'm definitely not the only one who has experienced this frustration. A few months ago (actually almost a year ago), Lacee was looking at the headlines on the MSN homepage and found this article entitled "19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person".
I'll share my top five (in no particular order) least favorite cliches (the ones in italics are from the article, the rest are from my own experience), my theory as to the strategy-or what the Healer meant-of this comment, as well as my theory as to why these comments suck.
1. "But you're so pretty! Why don't you have a boyfriend?" This one is a close relative to "But you are such a great catch! Why hasn't anyone snatched you right up, yet?"
Strategy: To help you feel better about yourself and truly see what a great person you are. And maybe even to put down or insult members of the opposite sex for not taking notice of you.
Why this may not provide comfort: If I knew the answer to that question then I'd make some changes and problem solved! And trying to turn the problem on the other gender really doesn't work. Half the population doesn't have the same problem of simply "not noticing" us. We may be diseased but we're not stupid; it can't really be every other man's/woman's fault. And possibly, some Diseased are choosing not to have a boyfriend/girlfriend right now.
2. "He just wasn't the right one." Obviously! But why?!
Strategy: To help you get over the fact that it's over and there's no going back. To help you understand why it didn't work out the way you'd hoped.
Why this may not provide comfort: From our perspective, it looked like a great relationship and a perfect fit! We're confused and completely puzzled as to why something that looked so good just wasn't "right". We're not looking for comfort, we're looking for answers. And obviously you don't have any. So don't say anything.
3. "Put yourself out there." I'm so sick of this one! What does it even mean?
Strategy: To make sure you haven't exhausted all of your resources and that you're not limiting yourself.
Why this may not provide comfort: Again, what does it even mean? Are you referring to online dating? Do we need to attend every single event in the area? What are you wanting us to do? Stand in the middle of the grocery store and yell, "I'm single! Come talk to me! I'm a great catch. Anyone would be lucky to have me and the last person I dated just wasn't right for me!" This statement, more than any other statement, causes me to feel not only diseased but TERMINALLY ill. This snippet of assuagement alludes to a deranged reality where I have become a hermit inside my apartment-I take only online classes, I have food delivered to my door, I don't turn my lights on, and my only access to the outside world is my phone and Internet. Get real people!
4. "Just be grateful that you can sleep in and don't have to worry about kids waking you up in the middle of the night." Excuse me?
Strategy: Helping you see that there are upsides to being single, that being diseased is not "all bad", and that when you are healed it won't always be candy and roses.
Why this may not provide comfort: That's quite an assumption that you just made there with that statement. Although some single people may wish to be single forever-they don't want to be tied down, they don't want the responsibilities, they don't have a desire to reproduce, etc.-all singles don't necessarily feel that way. Maybe some of us actually choose to sleep in because waking up alone, in a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors is a harsh reality that they would like to put off for as long as possible. Maybe some of us actually feel pained to crawl into a large bed again-alone-and not know when/if they'll have an opportunity to share this bed with someone let alone have kids in this life. Forgive us if we just don't find comfort in your complaints.
5. "Maybe you have really high standards." Possibly, but I'm already feeling down and out. Don't make me feel worse!
Strategy: Healers are trying to offer insight and direction where they think there might be a problem. They're genuinely looking to help you find a cure.
Why this may not provide comfort: When they hear this statement, Diseased people look at Healed people and think "Seriously?" If we're having a conversation about me being single, do I sound happy about it or sad about it? If I feel sad about it does it seem helpful to point this out in that moment? Probably not. And not only that but you found what you were looking for. Why can't I? Do I suddenly need to lower my standards or expectations because the pool of men/women is thinning out?
Closing argument: If you don't have TRUE words of wisdom or REAL comfort to offer, just don't say anything. If we're crying then hug us. If we're angry then let us rant. If we act like it's not a problem then don't treat it like it's a problem. If we're happy then be happy with us. If we're content when you think we shouldn't be then bite your tongue and keep your mouth shut. We're left feeling uncomfortable when you choose to utter comfort cliches.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Disease
The first in a short series about singledom.
Annabelle Vandersloot is a member of the Notable Widows of Papen County. When Olive Snook discovers their little hobby dealing with dioramas the following conversation ensues...
Olive: How can I get involved?
Annabelle: Are you a widow?
Olive: No.
Annabelle: Oh.
Olive: Unfortunately, I'm single.
Annaballe: Oh...Sorry
Later in the episode, Olive gives Annabelle some much desired information and Annabell responds...
Annabelle: Ms. Snook I almost forgot. I told the Notable Widows your story and it made us realize how very blessed we are. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to be you.
(An excerpt from the script of the wonderful series, "Pushing Daisies".)
The disease? Singledom.
The cure? Everyone thinks they have one. There are plenty of cliches (Part 2) people use to "comfort"the Diseased. Some believe that blind dates (Part 3) are the answer. The Diseased are even thrown into a meat market (Part 4) to try and overcome this horrible "condition". Others claim that if you could just play "The Game" (Part 5) right then you'll be cured and living happily.
But the truth is, there isn't a cure. Because it's not a disease. It's simply a state of being. And being single doesn't make us worse off than the "fortunate ones" or married folk. It's hard living in a world where people equate happiness with being in a relationship. The Dixie Chicks phrased it this way: "Oh it's plain to see you'd rescue me from my loneliness so called unhappiness."
Being single doesn't make me less of a human or a lesser part of society. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me and it doesn't mean that I have a problem that someone else needs to swoop in and solve.
It's time to move away from the mentality of "fixing" the singles. Remove yourselves from the self-assigned mission to make all the singles as happy as you are by finding them someone to be with for eternity. Let the singles figure it out on their own; unless of course they ask for your help. The key word being ASK.
How do you make these changes and remove the "diseased" label?
1. Don't treat us like we're sick. We're not suffering from cancer or some other true ailment. When you see us you don't need to cry for us or mourn for us or tell us how sorry you are about our situation. I'm sure cancer patients don't enjoy being asked about their treatment all the time so don't ask us if we're dating or if there is someone "special" in our lives. If there's news that is noteworthy and that we care to share, we'll make it known.
2. Don't give us special allowances, but don't deny us the same opportunities and benefits you'd give to the married ones either. Perfect example: "Dan in Real Life". Dan is given the "special" room. He gets to sleep on a crappy single bed in the laundry room while his brother who is currently in a relationship (yet required to sleep in a different room than his girlfriend) gets a real room with a big bed.
I'm single and I'm happy. Am I always happy being single? No. Are you always happy being married? If we were to ask George Bailey he would respond with "Why do we have to have all these kids?!" Is one better than the other? It's debatable. I think being single and being married each have their pros and cons.
The real question though is this, are we able to attain the highest level of salvation without being married? No. But that's our problem, not yours. Let us work out our own salvation while you worry about yours. And exhale a sigh of relief knowing that you no longer need to find a cure.
(I've been contemplating this series for a while now and have finally decided to write it out instead of simply think about it. However, I feel like I cannot move forward without a disclaimer: My intention is not for these posts to come across as cynical or to chastise those who consider themselves guilty of the infractions described.)
Annabelle Vandersloot is a member of the Notable Widows of Papen County. When Olive Snook discovers their little hobby dealing with dioramas the following conversation ensues...
Olive: How can I get involved?
Annabelle: Are you a widow?
Olive: No.
Annabelle: Oh.
Olive: Unfortunately, I'm single.
Annaballe: Oh...Sorry
Later in the episode, Olive gives Annabelle some much desired information and Annabell responds...
Annabelle: Ms. Snook I almost forgot. I told the Notable Widows your story and it made us realize how very blessed we are. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to be you.
(An excerpt from the script of the wonderful series, "Pushing Daisies".)
The disease? Singledom.
The cure? Everyone thinks they have one. There are plenty of cliches (Part 2) people use to "comfort"the Diseased. Some believe that blind dates (Part 3) are the answer. The Diseased are even thrown into a meat market (Part 4) to try and overcome this horrible "condition". Others claim that if you could just play "The Game" (Part 5) right then you'll be cured and living happily.
But the truth is, there isn't a cure. Because it's not a disease. It's simply a state of being. And being single doesn't make us worse off than the "fortunate ones" or married folk. It's hard living in a world where people equate happiness with being in a relationship. The Dixie Chicks phrased it this way: "Oh it's plain to see you'd rescue me from my loneliness so called unhappiness."
Being single doesn't make me less of a human or a lesser part of society. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me and it doesn't mean that I have a problem that someone else needs to swoop in and solve.
It's time to move away from the mentality of "fixing" the singles. Remove yourselves from the self-assigned mission to make all the singles as happy as you are by finding them someone to be with for eternity. Let the singles figure it out on their own; unless of course they ask for your help. The key word being ASK.
How do you make these changes and remove the "diseased" label?
1. Don't treat us like we're sick. We're not suffering from cancer or some other true ailment. When you see us you don't need to cry for us or mourn for us or tell us how sorry you are about our situation. I'm sure cancer patients don't enjoy being asked about their treatment all the time so don't ask us if we're dating or if there is someone "special" in our lives. If there's news that is noteworthy and that we care to share, we'll make it known.
2. Don't give us special allowances, but don't deny us the same opportunities and benefits you'd give to the married ones either. Perfect example: "Dan in Real Life". Dan is given the "special" room. He gets to sleep on a crappy single bed in the laundry room while his brother who is currently in a relationship (yet required to sleep in a different room than his girlfriend) gets a real room with a big bed.
I'm single and I'm happy. Am I always happy being single? No. Are you always happy being married? If we were to ask George Bailey he would respond with "Why do we have to have all these kids?!" Is one better than the other? It's debatable. I think being single and being married each have their pros and cons.
The real question though is this, are we able to attain the highest level of salvation without being married? No. But that's our problem, not yours. Let us work out our own salvation while you worry about yours. And exhale a sigh of relief knowing that you no longer need to find a cure.
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