The Meat Market

The fourth in a short series about singledom.


Before proceeding to read, watch this video clip (it's only 20 seconds):




The Meat Market is a common method used to help rid The Diseased of their ailment. What are these Meat Markets I speak of? Well the LDS (Latter-Day Saint) YSA (Young Single Adult) Wards, of course! What is that you say? You don't see how meat markets and singles wards can be likened one to another? Well, allow me to thrust my theory upon you.


Let's start with a little activity involving parallels.

Meat Markets	Singles Wards
A wide variety of meats offered in one building Offerings/delicacies are put on display Vendor approves all sales Vendor and employees make suggestions about different cuts and ways to prepare selections Offer sale prices and advertisements	A wide variety of people present in one building A picture is taken of each individual and compiled into what is formally referenced as the “Ward Directory” (commonly known as the “Ward Menu”) Bishop approves marriages and engagements Bishop and counselors suggest prospects one should consider Encourage attendance at Ward Prayer, FHE, and other ward activities

Aha! You see, my theory is not so far-fetched after all!

Now, how does the movie clip tie into my theory? Well you see, meat markets offer a variety of meats, even the rare kinds that most people have never heard of. Haggis, specifically, is the one referenced in the clip. Which leads me to my next point...


The Haggis Theory

Over the last six plus years of attending singles wards I've thought about the similarities between meat markets and my experiences. It was about two years ago when this theory first came to me. I started attending a new ward and after a couple of Sundays a good friend asked me how my ward was. Assuming he was asking about the functionality and referencing the strength of the ward I told him it seemed to be a good ward and I thought it'd be an okay year. His follow up question was, "How are the guys? Any cute ones? Any that you're going to pursue or that you'd like to get to know better?" I gave him a baffled look and thought to myself Ummmm, I don't attend church to check out men. I might attend ward activities for those very reasons, but I haven't attended any of those yet. I attend church to worship. I tried to verbalize those very thoughts but my friend thought me to be crazy. He was convinced that I was lying and was simply trying to pretend that I don't scope out the men at church.

Days later I was thinking, as I often do, about his comments. It hit me like Colette "playfully" hits me when we're joking around (which is actually AWFULLY hard). Singles wards are meat markets. Up until September 2010, singles would wander from ward to ward scoping out the "meat" and deciding which ward had the best to offer. Granted, not everyone was this way. There were quite a few who attended the ward in which they were supposed to, but an alarming number of people felt the need to "shop" for what it was they desired.

The more I continued to think, as I often do, about this theory, the more nicely everything fell into play:

You have ground beef; easy to get, can be used in a variety of situations, and decently cheap. That's not me. In order to qualify as ground beef I would need to use my eyes to take off your clothes, laugh at everything you say, flirt shamelessly, maybe even "give you some", and not expect to hear from you again.

You have chicken; also easy to get, a popular favorite, but a little more expensive. Usually chicken requires a little more maintenance. It needs sauce or marinade or something else to make it good. In order to qualify as chicken I would need to shrink 2-3 inches, lose 100 pounds, dye my hair platinum blond, lose quite a few brain cells, laugh hysterically at everything you say, and play games that torture you and leave you with an element of mystery.

You have steak; not as easy to get, most people like steak but aren't always willing to pay to get it, and is more expensive. In order to qualify as steak I would need to know how to flirt yet know when to stop so as not to lead you on, when on campus I'd carry my scriptures outside of my backpack, sign up for two Institute classes and maybe even join IWA (Institute Women's Association).

And then you have haggis; which is really uncommon and not deemed a favorite by most people. It's a rare Scottish delicacy which is "based on a dare". In order to qualify for haggis I don't know how to flirt, I laugh at the wrong times, I've got a little extra around the edges, I'm independent and opinionated, and I don't play games that lead to heartache or any element of mystery.


Although I don't love being a part of a meat market, I do understand that to not be part of one would limit my options and experiences to a degree in which I don't want to consider. Haggis wouldn't survive in a private market; it must be marketed in a place where people can look at, inquire about, and maybe even sample.

Being haggis is great. I like knowing that I'm a rarity and that I don't quite fit the traditional mold. For I understand that some one, some day will choose to take a chance on haggis; will choose to step out of his comfort zone and try something he's never tried before. Power to the haggis!

Until someone can come up with something better to cure the Diseased (good try, Online Dating), it looks like the Meat Market is the best stop for the cure-all.