(I've been contemplating this series for a while now and have finally decided to write it out instead of simply think about it. However, I feel like I cannot move forward without a disclaimer: My intention is not for these posts to come across as cynical or to chastise those who consider themselves guilty of the infractions described.)
Annabelle Vandersloot is a member of the Notable Widows of Papen County. When Olive Snook discovers their little hobby dealing with dioramas the following conversation ensues...
Olive: How can I get involved?
Annabelle: Are you a widow?
Olive: No.
Annabelle: Oh.
Olive: Unfortunately, I'm single.
Annaballe: Oh...Sorry
Later in the episode, Olive gives Annabelle some much desired information and Annabell responds...
Annabelle: Ms. Snook I almost forgot. I told the Notable Widows your story and it made us realize how very blessed we are. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to be you.
(An excerpt from the script of the wonderful series, "Pushing Daisies".)
The disease? Singledom.
The cure? Everyone thinks they have one. There are plenty of cliches (Part 2) people use to "comfort"the Diseased. Some believe that blind dates (Part 3) are the answer. The Diseased are even thrown into a meat market (Part 4) to try and overcome this horrible "condition". Others claim that if you could just play "The Game" (Part 5) right then you'll be cured and living happily.
But the truth is, there isn't a cure. Because it's not a disease. It's simply a state of being. And being single doesn't make us worse off than the "fortunate ones" or married folk. It's hard living in a world where people equate happiness with being in a relationship. The Dixie Chicks phrased it this way: "Oh it's plain to see you'd rescue me from my loneliness so called unhappiness."
Being single doesn't make me less of a human or a lesser part of society. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me and it doesn't mean that I have a problem that someone else needs to swoop in and solve.
It's time to move away from the mentality of "fixing" the singles. Remove yourselves from the self-assigned mission to make all the singles as happy as you are by finding them someone to be with for eternity. Let the singles figure it out on their own; unless of course they ask for your help. The key word being ASK.
How do you make these changes and remove the "diseased" label?
1. Don't treat us like we're sick. We're not suffering from cancer or some other true ailment. When you see us you don't need to cry for us or mourn for us or tell us how sorry you are about our situation. I'm sure cancer patients don't enjoy being asked about their treatment all the time so don't ask us if we're dating or if there is someone "special" in our lives. If there's news that is noteworthy and that we care to share, we'll make it known.
2. Don't give us special allowances, but don't deny us the same opportunities and benefits you'd give to the married ones either. Perfect example: "Dan in Real Life". Dan is given the "special" room. He gets to sleep on a crappy single bed in the laundry room while his brother who is currently in a relationship (yet required to sleep in a different room than his girlfriend) gets a real room with a big bed.
I'm single and I'm happy. Am I always happy being single? No. Are you always happy being married? If we were to ask George Bailey he would respond with "Why do we have to have all these kids?!" Is one better than the other? It's debatable. I think being single and being married each have their pros and cons.
The real question though is this, are we able to attain the highest level of salvation without being married? No. But that's our problem, not yours. Let us work out our own salvation while you worry about yours. And exhale a sigh of relief knowing that you no longer need to find a cure.
9 comments:
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DEAR JALAYNE, I WON'T EVEN PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. I JUST READ THIS ON ANOTHER BLOG AND IT BROUGHT ME BACK TO YOU. THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID," YOU JUST NEED TO DECIDE YOU CANT CHANGE YOUR LIFE, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL "LOVE" YOUR LIFE. WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU DO ENJOY IT! AND IF YOU WANT TO DO IT, DO IT. THERE ARE NO LIMITS. (SHERELLE CHRISTIANSEN)
YOU ARE ONE AWESOME GIRL. DON'T LET ANY THING OR ANYBODY BRING YOU DOWN. BEING SINGLE IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO SHINE IN YOUR DEPT. THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER, SO I ALWAYS TRY TO THINK, I WILL MAKE MINE THE GREENEST RIGHT WHERE I AM AT. CHIN UP AND GO FORTH YOU SINGLE WONDER OF THE LORD. we would love to have you in our singles branch!!!!!!!
Be happy being single and doing the things you like. Along the way, you'll meet people and have a good time. One of those people may or may not become a partner. But the best way to be happy is be yourself. And being excited about being yourself is the most attractive thing anyone can be.
I feel like I need to emphasize that I'm not feeling down and out about my single situation. I am tired of other people feeling down and out for me when I'm actually happy. People tend to automatically assume that because I'm single I'm not happy and that's not the case. The purpose of this post wasn't to complain about how bummed I feel. It's to help others understand that single people really can/are genuinely happy.
"The Disease" as you aptly put it only exists in my view at least, in the realm of mormondom, especially in the small communities of southern Idaho and Utah. In more urban areas people like me who have four kids have a "disease" and those who are single have all the answers.
Justin, you make a good point. The rest of the world is pushing for singledom and discovering yourself and making something of yourself. And the Mormon culture pushes for marriage and families (with good reason). The whole idea of my short series was born through the Mormon culture and the push for marriage and family. It's important, I understand that, but if you don't have it then you're "diseased". To the rest of the world I'm not that different. On the other hand, have you ever noticed how many MSN homepage stories are about dating? "How to know if he's the right one." "How to put yourself out there." "How to know if he's just not that into you." And on and on and on. That is a worldly site contributing to my argument. They are trying to provide answers for all the "unhappy" singles out there. There just simply seems to be a common theme of "If you're not in a relationship, you're not truly happy".
Remember, i got married "late" by many people's views
Yes, I do remember this. Do you feel like you experienced anything similar before you got married, Phil? I'm definitely not the only one who feels this way. I've talked with multiple singles who feel the same and can share similar experiences.
I think one reason "marriage" is the highest relationship is because it forces mankind to consider others first before they can be happy themselves. As a single, it is easy to live a life that is all about you. I was kind of unconscious about being single until I was about 50. All the love games etc. were inscrutable to me. At 50, I realized that it is family-- in the sense of having a rising generation-- that keeps you tied to the future and condition of the world in many ways. At 50, I have felt somewhat afloat as a single. But I will go forward--I am still here, there is a plan and things for me to give and enjoy. Life after 50 as a single is interesting. Let me say this--Marriage is God's perfect plan, but nobody has a perfect life. Go forward and take advantage of all opportunities that come your way.
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